“Once Upon A Time”

So, there’s a lovely song that has been making its rounds in my heavy rotation on Apple Music. “Once Upon A Time” by The Smashing Pumpkins. It speaks of a mother-son relationship, and the unique nature inherent in it. At least that’s what I get out of it.

“Mother, I’m tired
Come surrender, my son
Time has ravaged on my soul
No plans to leave but still, I go”

As my life has undergone drastic and unexpected changes over the past couple of years, this resonates with me deeply. At the end of 2024, I thought I was spending the last moments with my mother, as she lies in a hospital bed with decreasing oxygen saturation, increased respirations, lethargy, and that look in her eyes. For anyone that has seen as many people die as I have, you would know what I’m talking about. It’s not something I could ever forget. I even began to write a poem, as an epitaph for my mother’s memory and the impact of her life. Thankfully, as of now, the poem remains incomplete, for her story continues to this day.

While this was happening, little was I to know that my marriage would soon come to an end, and my existence would be turned on its head. Any semblance of stability that I enjoyed, either mentally or materially, would be eroded, with perpetual indecision, uncertainty, regret, remorse, and emptiness quickly filling the vacancy. In this time, I began to enjoy a stronger relationship with my immediate family, including, of course, my mother. I echo Billy Corgan’s sentiment, for yes, “mother, I’m tired.”

As I prepare to complete my lease back in Florida and make my address the house of my parents for the first time in sixteen-and-a-half years, I also feel that “time has ravaged on my soul.” I gave up on making plans over a year ago, and on I go.

“Mother, I’ve tried
Wasting my life
“I haven’t given up,” I lie
To make you so proud in my eyes”

What son would revel in disappointing his mother? Hopefully that will simply remain a rhetorical question. I don’t think I’ve given up. I’m simply tired, although it doesn’t feel simple. I’m just here; I am here, now-I am present, in the marathon of moments that comprise the film reel of my existence. We’ll see how it goes.

That’s all for now.